


In Between

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [23]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 09:10:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14234001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: A filler between You Are Not Your Own and Those Of Demon Blood.





	1. Magnus

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is one more attempt to get this awful arc right in my head. I'm not there yet, in fact I'm pretty sure this is going to get a second chapter before I can even move on to writing something for Those Of Demon Blood. 
> 
> I'm sure there'll be people that disagree with my interpretation here, and that's to be expected since we all react and feel differently about the media we consume. It doesn't mean any of us are right or wrong, there is no single universal response to these things. This fandom, like so many other fandoms, doesn't seem to understand that at all.

He _does_ blame Alec. Magnus has so many reasons to justify why not to, yet the memories of Alec shoving him away in that cell are far too fresh in Magnus' mind. That, and those he's pleading with himself to just forget ever happened, which of course, means that he _can't_.

Alec dragged and shackled him to that chair. Alec gagged him so he wouldn't have to hear him talk. Alec didn't _know_ him when he looked at him, which should not be something he's focusing on so hard, but he is, because he has to. Because if Alec had listened to a single word he was telling him, then perhaps the worst of all that's happened might never have come to be.

Not the worst, Magnus reminds himself, because that Agony rune was nothing to do with Alec, and that Agony rune is the thing that's lodging so much of this nightmare in his mind. He's been tortured before of course, so the Inquisitor inflicting all that agony on him isn't a  _new_  experience for him, even though it was hell to get through and there were moments when he didn't think he would. But he's never been led to near slaughter by the one he loves; not quite like in this scenario. It's hard to try to justify everything that's circling around his head, and Magnus tries to concentrate on the warmth of Alec's arm around him to help himself figure these things out.

"Why didn't you believe it was me?" Magnus closes his eyes shut tight as the words blurt from his mouth unchecked, and he holds his position next to Alec for a matter of seconds before he's up and pacing across the room. "Why didn't you listen to me? Why didn't you _hear_ me?"

"I… I don't know," Alec replies, sitting forward a little on the couch but not making to move, probably realizing Magnus needs his space right now. Alec _knows_ him, knows these kinds of things about him. So why didn't he _know_ him when he really needed him to?

"I told you things that no one else could have possibly known besides us."

"I know—"

"You _don't_ know. Because you weren't _listening_ —"

"Magnus," Alec says, his hand up in a placating gesture that currently Magnus finds inflammatory, "I—"

"If you tell me you were just following _orders_ —"

"No," Alec says, standing up, though not coming any closer, just standing there staring back at Magnus like he needs guidance on how to talk. "I mean, yes, I _was_ following—"

"How many other _Downworlders_ have you been complicit in the torture of, Alec?"

Alec looks like he's slapped him, his spine becoming rigid and his face pale. He opens his mouth to speak but can't seem to form a single word.

"It's one thing to have been a passive witness to what almost happened with _Meliorn_ and whoever else you haven't told me about; how am I now not to imagine you doing this to other Downworlders in those cells of yours when you demand  _answers_?" Magnus asks, trying to move fast enough to outpace his beating heart. "But to physically strap me down like—"

"Magnus," Alec says, his voice cracking, and even with the distance between them as Magnus paces back and forth out of arm's reach, he can see the tears beginning to well in Alec's eyes.

 _Good_ , Magnus thinks, he _should_ be upset, if he'd have just _listened_ —

"I don't… I thought it was Valentine. I thought _you_ were Valentine—"

"How could you think I was _him_?"

"Magnus," Alec pleads, his tone cracking a little more, "you _looked_ like him. You _sounded_ like him—"

"I sound nothing—"

"But you had his _voice_. Maybe not his words, but… I thought you were _him_ , Magnus. You honestly think I'd let anyone do anything like that to you if I knew?"

"But you _did_ allow that to happen to me—"

"Magnus—"

"I pleaded with you," Magnus adds, his own tears falling again and the fury raging through him making everything feel harsh and angular, not able to separate a single thought in his head. Right now he can't tell the difference between the Alec he loves and the one who did _that_ to him, and all the other memories the Agony rune has stirred up besides. Including _that_ one, he thinks to himself, coming to a stop as wave of grief hits him. First for his mother, and then for himself, which is quickly followed by self-loathing. How can he be standing here lecturing Alec on something he almost let happen when he did what _he_ did? When he's done so many of the things that he's done?

"I don't know how to fix this," Alec says, and it just sets Magnus off again.

"You think this is something that you can _fix_?" Magnus demands, spinning on his heel and glaring at Alec.

"I… I didn't know," Alec stutters out clearly having no idea what to do.

Irrationally, Magnus wants to comfort Alec for the lost look on his face, and that only leads to him realizing he _shouldn't_ blame Alec, even if he can't separate out the reasoning for it. But he does blame Alec. He doesn't want to, but he does.

"Do you want me to go?" Alec asks after a few minutes of them just staring at each other. His voice comes out defeated, and it irritates Magnus even more.

"That's your answer here? Just walking away from me when—"

"Magnus," Alec says, hands out as he takes a step towards him, "it isn't what I want. Not at all; I want to be here for you. But—"

"You think leaving here is going to make it any easier to forgive you?" Magnus demands, and it's then that Alec crumples, his jaw begins to tremble, and Magnus is struck once again with the urge to wrap him up in his arms.

But he can't. Not yet. He can't do anything but continue to lash out.

"You think it's ever going to be okay that you almost let me be _killed_ because you wouldn't listen to me?"

"I had no reason to think it wasn't Valentine. I had… Magnus, he's always been… Jace says he's always ten steps ahead—"

" _Jace_ said?" Magnus yells back, not quite sure why hearing his name is adding fuel to this rage him. " _Jace_? What else did your parabatai have to say about this, Alec?"

"Only that… we shouldn't trust Valentine. We shouldn't let him play mind games with us. He… when I told him you'd told me stuff only _you_ would know, he… he said maybe Valentine had some other warlock steal my memories—"

"Ridiculous," Magnus sneers back, the venom in his voice surprising him, and he has to turn away from Alec again before he says anything worse.

"I-I know. I thought the same. It's just… Magnus, please. I had… I had no reason to think _he_ was _you_."

"Aside from me sharing personal information with you, of course."

Magnus hears Alec sigh, wants to turn around and yell some more, but is struck by the sense of all his energy draining from him, and slumps into an armchair across the room. Alec follows after a moment, perching on the edge of a couch just as far away from him as he can get. His hands are knotting repeatedly together, his entire posture bristling with tension.

"Magnus," Alec says softly, "I… I don't know what to do here."

"There's nothing you can do—"

"Do you not want me now? Or... just not want me here?"

Magnus squeezes his eyes shut, forces himself to think of Alec here in this apartment with him on previous days, and can't _stop_ himself wanting Alec. But whether or not he really wants him here is a different matter. He needs company, and Alec's the only one around. He can't waltz into the hospital where Catarina is working demanding she comfort him, nor can he just leave here and find solitude elsewhere, as much as he'd like to, as much as right now, in this moment, he wishes he wasn't the High Warlock of Brooklyn. That he didn't have responsibilities to anyone, and could disappear far across the world.

"I don't want to be alone," Magnus replies, which is true on a number of levels.

"Okay," Alec says, nodding as he stands and taking off his jacket to drape over the arm of the couch. "I… I don't know what to do here. But I'm… here's what I'm going to do. And if you don't want any of it, then tell me, and I'll go, and I'll… stay away until you feel like talking to me. But just… I want to help. If I can."

Magnus doesn't know if he can, that's half the problem, but he nods anyway, and tells himself to listen to Alec talk.

"I… I'm gonna run you a bath. Help you relax a bit. And I'm gonna… that steak place you like, I'm gonna run down and get you something to eat."

"I can't eat—"

"Or that bagel place," Alec stutters out, wide-eyed already for getting it wrong. "Or… I don't know. But I'll get you something to eat."

"I can magic—"

"I don't want you to use your magic," Alec tells him, cutting him off, "I… please, Magnus. Can you just… rest? I'm not asking you to let me take care of you, because… I mean, I _want_ to. But I know you don't trust me all that much right now."

It hurts Alec to say that, to realize that, Magnus thinks. His gaze is only for the floor, and Magnus stares at his slumped forward form for a few seconds before sighing and relenting.

"Fine. Whatever you think."

"And I'll… I'll go when you're in the bath, and then… I'll maybe... I can be in another room or something here when you're done so you don't have to... I don't… I want to be here, Magnus, if I can… if you think—in case you might need me. Need _someone_ , anyway."

"Alec—"

"Or maybe you should call Catarina," Alec adds, and even from how slumped over his is Magnus can see him frowning. "Maybe she'd be better at this than me."

Magnus doesn't want to be alone with his memories, and a big part of him doesn't want Alec to go. But there's another part whispering cruel reminders of what's just happened and Magnus has no idea what to do. Catarina might tell him to snap out of it, or worse, she might insist even harder than Alec might do for him to _talk_. She's one of the few people in the world Magnus feels closest to and could get away with such a demand, yet right now he can't tell whether that would be a good thing in this situation, or a bad one.

"A bath sounds good," he says, partly because it really does, and partly because it's a gesture Alec wants to make for him.

Immediately Alec raises his head, relief coursing across his face before he can rein it in, but there's still a small smile there that is thankful. He nods without saying a word, rolling up his sleeves already, and Magnus listens to him beginning to run a bath. He smiles unconsciously at Alec's yelp at the temperature, knowing Alec's taking time to adjust to the heat of the water Magnus prefers.

Magnus looks up as Alec walks back out, moves through into his bedroom, and listens as he hears closet doors opening, only for Alec to come back out again with an armful of clothes. Magnus suspects they're his favorite lounge pants and an old sweater only Alec has ever seen him in. That Alec is so comfortable in his home, knows where all his things are already, brings a little peace to Magnus, before his stomach is clenching again.

Alec comes back in without looking at him, heading straight for the glass that's still in shards on the floor. "It's ready," he says, and just continues cleaning, jaw clenched in either concentration on what he's doing, or convincing himself not to speak.

Magnus stands and walks around him without comment, contemplating closing the bathroom door. He doesn't though, needing background noise for company. He's still listening to Alec cleaning as he strips himself of his clothes and lowers himself into the bath, inhaling in relief at the familiar, favorite scent Alec's put in for him.

Alec knows him better than many people, Magnus smiles, which is part of the reason he's so hurt Alec didn't recognize him in that cell. But how was he supposed to, Magnus asks himself rationally, how could he know it was him instead of Valentine? Body swapping isn't exactly a regular occurrence, there's no precedent for something like this. It's not as though they've set up some kind of _code word_ for if this scenario would happen. It just hurts to have the constant reminder that it was _Alec_ who forced him into that chair. Even if Magnus thinks he saw more than one look of hesitation and doubt.

Magnus shakes his head to force the thoughts away, listens to Alec muttering to himself about _new_ _cleaning cloths_. He goes to call out to tell Alec where to find them, but then hears his triumphant, _found you_ , and smiles for it.

A shadow appears in the doorway a little later, and Magnus thinks Alec must be debating telling him that he's about to go. Magnus wonders if Alec will leave and not come back at all, or not come back until invited, instead of going to get him something to eat, but he can't know what will happen, and he can't think too much about it. Tries to focus on all that's happened and find a way through it.

There are memories that have taken a lifetime of suppressing to dull enough not to breach his every thought. That Agony rune has stripped him of all that muting, and everything is blasting at him more vivid than he can deal with. Magnus reaches up, squeezes his eyes shut and sinks deeper into the bath water until he's completely submerged. Magnus counts his breath underwater then bursts from it with a gasp, his eyes stinging for all the tears he's shed and the long hours he's been kept awake in fear. He's faced death before, of course, but this Agony rune has been the undoing of him. And Alec's involvement—

This isn't Alec's fault. It isn't, Magnus knows that, but to have him so intrinsically tied to everything that's been done to him means he's having trouble settling the two things out. There's Alec, _his_ Alec, who Magnus knows loves him, cares for him, and wouldn't do anything to hurt him, and there's the _Clave's_ Alec, who follows duty, and process, and does everything he's told, without questioning things even if he knows them to be wrong.

The _real_ Alec is somewhere between the two of those versions, and Magnus hasn't thought too much about that since before they first were together. He hopes it's not going to shape everything he thinks of Alec now; in fact, he's determined not to let it. Maybe once he's slept on it a little, things will feel a little different.

Magnus sits in the bath until the water is tepid then climbs out, drying himself off carefully before changing into the clothes Alec has left him. His timing is either ill or perfect, because it's the very moment Alec stumbles through the door. Alec offers him a cautious smile but doesn't say anything, just walks through with his arms full of bags heading for the kitchen.

Still without talking, Alec puts the bags down on the counter carefully drawing Magnus' attention to them, realizing Alec's gone to the trouble of getting him his favorite soup. Alec nods towards a table for him to sit and sets a meal up for him; the still-steaming soup, along with thick slices of crusty bread, some fruit, and these pastry things they discovered on an evening walk a few months ago that Magnus really likes.

"You didn't have too much in your fridge, and you were almost out of that tea you like. I got you a couple of things," Alec tells him as he comes back to the table, a spoon held in his hand that he goes to hold out for him, but in the end just slide on the table and turns away.

"Are you not joining me?" Magnus asks as he picks up the spoon, realizing just how hungry he is having not eaten in so long.

"I didn't know if you'd want me to," Alec replies after a short pause that, if Magnus listens hard enough to it, speaks of just how much control Alec is exerting on his words.

Magnus turns his head to find Alec stood awkwardly behind him and sighs, waving at the seat opposite. Alec retrieves his own bowl of soup from the kitchen and awkwardly sits, shredding more than eating the bread, and toying with his spoon. They eat in complete silence aside from the occasional scrape of their bowls, and it's awful, uncomfortable, but also, strangely, just what Magnus needs.

"Thank you," he says once he's finished, immediately standing from the table and picking up his bowl.

"I'll clean up," Alec says immediately, holding his hand out for it. "Go rest."

"I could probably sleep."

"Maybe you shouldn't sleep yet," Alec says shaking his head, "not on a full stomach. You'll—"

"Be fine," Magnus finishes for him with a small smile. "Thank you for lunch."

Alec smiles in answer but again doesn't say anything else.

"Do you need to go back to the Institute?" Magnus asks hovering uncertainly, both wanting Alec to leave and not wanting to be alone in an empty apartment, and not sure there is anyone else he wants here in his place.

"I'm not going," Alec replies, standing as he begins to tidy up after them.

"Alec—"

"I'm not," Alec repeats more insistently, staring at him until Magnus relents and nods. Magnus notes how wide a berth Alec gives him as he goes into the kitchen but doesn't really have the energy now to do anything about.

On the way to his bedroom Magnus catches sight of Alec's cell phone still abandoned on the couch. That he's left it there to go out to get lunch for him, and doesn't seem in any hurry to check it settles something else in Magnus' stomach, but again he doesn't say a word. He crawls into bed and groans for the softness beneath him, falling asleep in minutes.

* * *

Magnus wakes in a start, though is surprised that it isn't from a nightmare, even if it takes him a few seconds to be sure he's really awake. He has no idea how long he's slept; Alec must still be here because the curtains are drawn where they weren't earlier, and there's a glass of water on his nightstand that Magnus knows he didn't bring through himself.

Hauling himself up Magnus reaches for the glass and drains it, stretches a little and grimaces at the slight ache across his shoulders and wrists for his restraints. That rune is an ugly mess on his arm still, and with a glare at the offending mark on his skin Magnus blasts it away with a burst of magic until it's smooth, and whole, and all _him_ again.

Alec is sat in an armchair, rigid as though he won't let himself relax. He's engrossed in a book when Magnus walks through to join him; Magnus takes a quick look at the drawn curtain and the single lamp he's put on nearest to him probably not to disturb him, and feels a little more relaxed.

"Hey," Alec says when he realizes Magnus is watching him, immediately closing the book and probably losing his page, "how are you feeling?"

"Less tired," Magnus says, stretching a little more.

"Can I get you anything?"

"I don't think so," Magnus replies, sitting on the couch closest to Alec's chair.

"Maybe a drink, or something?" Alec asks, that doubt still there from earlier, not that Magnus is surprised to see it, of course.

"I—"

"I'll get you something," Alec says, jumping up before Magnus can say anything.

Magnus has no idea what he's making but there is muttering, and glass clinking, and, Magnus thinks, a complaint about Google, which has him sort of intrigued.

"Here," Alec says as he comes back through clutching two glasses of _something_ , "I don't… I have no idea what this is like but I looked up a recipe, saw what you had in, and… try it."

Magnus smiles as he takes his glass and takes a cautious sip. It's much stronger than he expected, and it takes Magnus another sip to figure out all its contents, but strangely it's exactly what he needs.

"It's good?"

"Are you just saying that?" Alec asks, hesitantly sniffing at his own glass.

"You should try it and find out," Magnus suggests, watching Alec sigh, nod, take a large gulp and then grimace for it, and has to hide his smile behind his own glass.

"Well. It's _something_ ," Alec splutters, and the expression on his face makes Magnus laugh, even pat the cushion beside him so that Alec will be nearer to him.

Alec eyes the cushion suspiciously but goes as invited, keeping a distinct gap between them and not doing anything like he'd normally do, like reach out, or shuffle closer.

"I know I shouldn't blame you," Magnus blurts out after taking another sip, "and I don't want to blame you. I don't. It's just—"

"It must be hard to separate what I did from what I thought I was doing. Or… I don't even know."

"I understand that it's… that there was no reason for you not to think it wasn't Valentine _that_ was going to happen to."

"I honestly didn't think she'd go through with it," Alec says, closing his eyes and sighing, "I just thought… I don't know what I was thinking. I really thought—at least at one point anyway—that she was just trying to scare him into talking."

"If the Agony rune hadn't achieved that, did you really think scaring me would?" Magnus retorts. He's a little harsher than intended, but Alec doesn't flinch for it, just sighs and shakes his head.

"I didn't know what to think. I just kept… going through the motions of it all, trying to… hoping something would happen to make her stop. I just… I should have done something."

Magnus tries to put himself in Alec's position and doesn't know how he would have reacted either. It doesn't make things easier, and he doesn't like it, but it's enough to make him hesitantly reach out and take Alec's hand.

"You were off with me," Alec blurts out the moment their fingers are slotted together.

"Alec?"

"When… after Azazel, and Valentine in the courtyard. I just… I thought you'd been drained, or… I thought that blast had affected you, or something. Left you… Magnus, I _knew_ something was wrong. I _did_. I just… why didn't I put everything together?"

Alec sounds exasperated with himself enough for Magnus to imagine he's been sat here for however long he's been asleep going over everything on repeat. But Magnus has no answers to give him so only squeezes his fingers back, and takes another sip of his drink.

"Did I miss anything?" he asks.

"When?"

"When I was asleep."

"Not that I know of," Alec replies, "I only turned on my cell phone so I could check something for this."

Magnus smiles at the wave of Alec's glass, spots his phone on the table and reaches out for it, pushing it into Alec's lap. "I don't expect you not to—"

"I don't want—"

"Alec. You'll be furious with yourself if you miss anything important," Magnus tells him, and to encourage him raises an arm so Alec knows to duck beneath it. It's not as natural, or comfortable as things normally are between them, but Alec settles into him anyway, turning his phone so Magnus can look. "You don't need to show—"

Alec nudges into him and raises an eyebrow, smiling when Magnus nods back. "I messaged Jace earlier."

"Oh?"

"Yeah," Alec says, sighing again before he thumbs across his screen, "told him I needed to be here. To cover for me if anyone's asking. Told him to tell anyone looking to just… leave us alone. Leave _you_ alone. But that doesn't mean I'll stay here if you don't want me to. I just—"

"Alec—"

"I should have trusted my instincts that something was up," Alec says, the screen of his phone fading again when he doesn't open any of his messages. "I should have… I should have known something was wrong. I… even if it was Valentine, I shouldn't have just let her get away with something like that."

"I suppose there are no repercussions for someone with _her_ level of authority," Magnus replies, feeling sick even for the thought of the Inquisitor.

"Not as many as there should be. We don't exactly hold ourselves accountable for these kinds of things. Not in any way we should, anyway," Alec adds, and the frown is a new one for Alec that Magnus has begun to notice. Doubt about the Clave has long been there for Alec but it's only fairly recently that he's truly allowed himself to begin questioning their actions. 

"Alec—"

"Magnus I am… so… _so_ sorry," Alec says, sighing hard, and after hesitating, leaning a little more against him. "I don't… I was so… I should have _known_."

"It isn't your fault," Magnus replies, because it isn't, even if there's still a voice in his head insisting that it is.

"I—"

"It isn't. I'm not saying I'm… okay with this yet—"

"I wouldn't expect you to be—"

"But I do know that you wouldn't have… if you had known it was me—"

"I'd have probably thrown her through that glass and got myself deruned," Alec finishes for him with a scowl.

"Well, thankfully it didn't quite come to that."

"Magnus—"

"We'll be fine," Magnus says, surprised when those are the ones that fall from his mouth.

"Yeah?" Alec asks. Magnus monitors the doubt in Alec's expression and neither likes that he's made him doubt, nor knows quite how to deal with the situation that's made him doubt in the first place.

"I mean… I can't pretend I won't need a little time to adjust," Magnus replies in an attempt at both placating Alec and figuring this situation out for himself. "But I… everything I feel for you hasn't gone anywhere because of this."

Alec's face crumples, his breath coming out shaky, and it takes him a few seconds to rein it back in, shakes his head when Magnus squeezes him and looks away until he's apparently composed himself. "I thought maybe…"

"What?" Magnus prompts when Alec drops his gaze from him again, toying with his glass and appearing to watch swirl of his drink.

"I just… Magnus. She tortured you."

There are tears in Alec's eyes when he looks up, and Magnus is hit with the need to comfort him for it when one of those tears falls. He leans in a little but Alec stops him, pulls back just enough to put a gap between them.

"Alec—"

"She hurt you, and… all these… I don't even know what these memories are that the Agony rune has brought up for you. But I can't stand the thought of you suffering like that, and me… I didn't… I could have stopped her. Any of us could have stopped her. But we didn't—"

"You didn't know," Magnus says, reaching out to cup his face and turn it a little more towards him.

"I'm not looking for you to _comfort_ me on this, Magnus. I just… what we did with… letting her torture you—or anyone like that—it was wrong. And we can't keep… even if it _was_ just Valentine. Even if he deserves to be executed, which… after everything, he does. But… we tortured him— _you_ —and we… how did we let this happen?"

"Alec—"

"But anyway," Alec says, shuffling a little further around to face him, "it's not about… I don't know what we do about all of _that_. Right now, all I wanna do is try to make things right with you."

"I—"

"And I'm not saying there's an easy fix for this, because I know there isn't. But… if you can try to find a way to tell me what you need from me. If you can… if you can tell me if there's anything I need to do, or… anything you want, then I'll do it. Even if," he adds, sucking in another shaky breath, "it means you need me to be away from you for a while. I don't wanna be, but I… if that's what you need—"

"I don't know what I need, Alec," Magnus replies, but he's smiling when he leans in and presses a kiss to his temple, "I don't. This is a… this isn't exactly a situation I've been through before, either."

"So let me… Magnus—"

"I don't have answers for you, Alec. I'm sorry, but I don't."

Alec sighs hard but nods, staring down at his drink. "I get that."

"We'll just need to… _I'll_ just need—"

"No, _we_ ," Alec insists, "I might not know what I'm doing here, but I… please don't shut me out on this."

This is a hard thing to promise, because Magnus is so used to dealing with everything on his own. But he'll try; they did agree that relationships take _effort_ , and letting someone in is about as big an effort as there is for Magnus.

"We'll get there. Now; are you going to check those messages?" Magnus asks, nodding towards Alec's phone.

If Alec senses the deliberate avoidance of his request he doesn't say anything, just turns a little more so Magnus can see the screen.

There are several messages, though no missed calls, which tells Magnus Jace has _listened_ for once. Izzy's concern for him is sweet, and the Institute-wide messages look as dull as Magnus had expected anything official from the Clave to be. Though the news that Max is coming to the Institute forces a sigh from Alec's mouth and leaves him both frowning and smiling.

"When's Max arriving?" Magnus asks.

"Soon. Izzy's gonna be his tutor."

"That is a perfect role for her."

"It is," Alec agrees with a softer, affectionate smile, "she'll be great."

Magnus knows Alec wants to ask Izzy about these _meetings_ she's started attending because of the yin fen, but hasn't yet managed to find a way to. He nudges against him not really want to bring up the subject again, and receives a smile for it. "Alec—"

"I'm gonna do better," Alec says, turning to stare at him, and hesitantly reaching up to cup his cheek. "I'm gonna… I need to start trusting my gut more, my… my instinct. This… whole situation—"

"Alec," Magnus says, tapping at Alec's glass so he knows to drink it, "one step at a time."

"I—"

Magnus shakes his head, drains his glass, and nudges once more for Alec to do the same. "We can't make all these… grand gestures, when all of this has just happened. We need to… it's not even been a full day since—"

"Then, right now, right this second. What do you need from me, Magnus?"

Magnus sighs, squeezing Alec's hand. "I don't know. But I think I need to sleep some more. I need to… perhaps I just need to rest."

"Then, I'll go," Alec says squeezing back, "I'll go back to the Institute tonight. Give you some space."

Magnus wants to tell him it's not necessary, wants to ask him to stay, and that to be the thing he needs. But what he needs right now is not Alec. It's peace, and solitude, even if it's just for a few more hours. Alec leans in to kiss him on the forehead, and the gesture means he doesn't have to explain.

"And you can… maybe we can speak tomorrow?" Alec asks, his voice catching even though he tries to hide it.

"Of course."

"And… if anything happens," Alec adds as he stands, shoving his phone in his pocket and making a far greater deal of putting on his jacket than he really needs to. "If you need anything, you know I can get here in just a couple of minutes."

"I can… would you like me to portal you to the Institute?" Magnus asks as he stands with him, absently reaching out to straighten Alec's collar.

"I'd prefer you didn't," Alec replies with a small shake of his head, "I'd prefer that you rested, and just… I'd prefer you just take care of yourself."

Magnus nods, wishing there was something he could do to take the slight fear he still sees on Alec's face. But now isn't the time to try to rid him of it; he needs to take a little time for himself.

"I'll call you tomorrow. Or message. Perhaps even—"

"We'll see tomorrow," Alec says, cutting him off, hesitating as he reaches out to grip just above his elbow, "don't… just see you how feel tomorrow, okay? I mean, I wanna hear from you, but… you don't know how you're gonna feel. You need… just see how you feel, okay? Let me know how you're doing."

Magnus nods back, stumbling a step forward and loosely draping his arms around Alec's waist. He leans in to kiss him, and though it's only brief it seems to course relief through Alec, who holds on to his upper arms gently and doesn't demand too much.

"I'll walk you out," Magnus says, and it seems strange, so formal between them, but Alec smiles for it and turns on his heel.

"Please rest," Alec says once they're the doorway, and the hesitance on Alec's face says just how badly he doesn't want to leave.

"I will. You too."

"Yeah," Alec laughs bitterly, and Magnus knows that means he won't be doing much sleeping tonight. He wants to help, but he has to have this moment for himself first.

"We'll speak tomorrow," Magnus tells him again, squeezing his hand as Alec passes. He watches as Alec walks to the stairwell apparently not wanting to wait for the elevator, and only closes his door once he's gone.

* * *

 

 


	2. Alec

He can't sleep.

Alec doesn't even think he wants to try, really, not with numerous images of Magnus running through his mind. His broken look in the apartment, that soft tiredness he'd shown even after he'd had a much-needed sleep. The torn look on Magnus' face when he was leaving. And though he both doesn't want to think of it, and has to, every look on Magnus' face in that cell.

He can't unsee it now. No longer sees _Valentine_ every time he tries to justify his reasoning, can only hear Magnus' cries, and see Magnus' tears, every time he closes his eyes. He _should_ only see Magnus; Magnus was tortured at the hands of the Inquisitor, and it was _his_ hands that almost—

Tears burst from Alec's eyes and the sob reverberates around his room, so cold, and empty-feeling since he's been spending so much time at Magnus' that he almost doesn't recognize the space that's been his for as long as he remembers. And tears, no matter how many of them he's holding on to, no matter how many are going to fall regardless, tears are pointless. He deserves to be upset, he deserves to fear that he's messed up—to _know_ he has. And he knows there will be many more of those tears as he does what currently feels impossible; setting things right.

 _How_ is he going to set this right though? How can he ever make up for what Magnus has experienced, and what he has contributed to it? Even with the repeated reminder that he had no reason for thinking it wasn't Valentine, what kind of a person would let an unauthorized execution go ahead right in front of his eyes?

 _He_ would, apparently. It doesn't matter that he'd been half-pleading with an external source to intervene, or that he'd been almost certain the Inquisitor wouldn't really go through with it—or even the gut feeling that he'd have stopped it happening just in time. It _did_ nearly happen, he _did_ almost lose him; how can Magnus ever look at him without remembering that?

Alec's talking himself in circles without saying a single word out loud. He needs to _do_ something, keep busy. The night patrols are still out, and there shouldn't be anyone else around until morning, so the training room is calling; even if the last thing he wants to do is leave his room. Alec strikes the leather of the punch bag and it's instinctive, both a muscle memory and an echo of sensation of all the times he's previously pounded his frustration out. Within seconds he's pummelling it hard enough to make his vision blur, and he intends to push himself until he's on the point of collapse so he can if not forget everything momentarily, but have a few seconds of peace in his mind.

He alternates between kicks and punches, half-wants to stop altogether and instead take his bow up on the roof and fire arrows until the sun rises. But just the thought of doing that reminds him of another evening, another time when his thoughts and his guilt had proved too much, and he'd ended up at Magnus' with bleeding fingers and cracked knuckles. The reminder of Magnus being gentle with him and _healing_ him after _Jocelyn_ and not being able to face Clary sets off another wave of fury through Alec that he drives into the bag until he has to hold on tight around it to keep himself up. Because on _that_ evening, Magnus had spoken about not being able to divert pain, and this is exactly what he's trying to do now. He knows it's true, that it's not helping, but that such wise words have come from _Magnus_ means he can't really allow himself to hear them.

The shower that follows is too hot, the towel so rough when he dries himself with it that it stings, but now isn't the time for self-pity, it's for thinking of what he can do for Magnus. Yet every time he tries he comes up empty; what is the solution to what currently feels like one of the biggest mistakes in his life?

Alec is winded by another wall of anguish as he stumbles into his boxers, his breath coming out in a hard blast as he drops his forehead against the nearest wall and presses it there until it subsides. Yet it takes another few minutes to finish dressing and to stare himself down in the mirror in loathing before he can even leave the bathroom. He stands in the doorway with his hand over the light switch staring at the bed, and screws his eyes up tight so he won't cry.

The bed is too cold when he sinks into it, the sheets so rough compared with those on Magnus' bed. It's too wide, too empty without him, and it's probably far too soon to be feeling like he does, but Alec is sure he sleeps better, more rested for falling asleep with Magnus. Rests easier knowing he's by his side—or either one of them using the other as a pillow. Touching in one way or another even if they have separated in the night.

He misses Magnus. And it's not like on the evenings when he comes back to the Institute to sleep, but a fear that he's losing him, may have already lost him, through his own lack of action and not being able to think for himself.

He _does_ think for himself, Alec argues, he's got a lot better at listening to his instinct, weighing up the pros and cons of everything not solely through the eyes of the Clave, but through his own experiences. But if that's the case then why didn't he show that instinct in that cell? Why didn't he stop the Inquisitor? Why hasn't he reported her already, done something to make her responsible for her almost-crime?

Because no one would believe it, he thinks to himself, and maybe that's not even true, maybe they would, but how would they prosecute her? This wouldn't be the first time she's attempted to do something that goes against direct orders, nor the first time she's thought her own view of justice is above the value of another person's life.

Izzy creeps into Alec's mind, followed swiftly by Meliorn, and Magnus' accusation about him in particular comes flying at Alec hard enough to make him sit up. It's not as though he hasn't repeatedly thought about what almost happened to Meliorn, another life he almost contributed to the ending of. Alec is furious with himself for it, has been trying ever since to change, think for himself, _feel_ instead of following rules and regulations. But no matter what he's tried, even with his instincts guiding him on so many things, yet again he's not got something right. And this is a really big something, not one that can be easily fixed.

Alec reaches for his phone, begins to compose a message to Magnus when there is none waiting there from him, but quickly deletes it and throws the phone against the bed. He's picking it up again in seconds, thumbing through to previous messages, the few photos he has on his phone of Magnus, some treasured ones of the two of them together in various locations. His favorite one though is a little closer to home, in _Magnus'_ home. Curled up on the sofa together one evening made sleepy with wine, music on in the background and not another thing to disturb them. Talking and kissing and just being together until they were too sleepy to keep their eyes open.

Alec groans and rolls over, his phone digging into his chest as he slumps over it, burying his face in his pillows and wishing, irrationally, that they smelt of Magnus. He's only been back a few hours but already he feels like he's been separated from Magnus for days. Alec knows he needs to give him space for this, that no amount of gestures is going to make up for all that's happened. Though it doesn't mean he won't continue to try.

Flopping over on to his back Alec starts tapping at his phone, researching flower deliveries and thoughtful trinkets, books he knows Magnus has spoken about wanting to read, and a hundred other things besides. By the time his phone protests that it's almost out of battery, he's half-planned out an itinerary of dates, all local things that Magnus doesn't need to portal them to but will hopefully still enjoy. Alec is still going over them all in his head when he finally succumbs to sleep.

* * *

Alec wakes with a start, his lingering dream taunting him with images of Magnus forever being out of reach, or turning away from him and never looking back. He scrambles for his phone, telling his heart it isn't sinking when there's no message waiting from Magnus. It's early, he's possibly had a broken sleep of about three hours, but he can't be in this room anymore. Alec is dressed within seconds, charging through hallways seeking out things to do. And because life is cruel this is, of course, a slow day, with Alec realizing in seconds there is very little to do.

 _She_ is in the Institute. Rage courses through Alec the second he sets eyes on the Inquisitor, but conveniently she ducks out of sight before he can get anywhere close. Though she does manage to get in a glare at him that is either a warning, or fury that he even dared to stop her, and though Alec storms through the Institute doing nothing but looking for her for the best part of an hour, she manages to evade him. And he's _still_ left with little to do.

Alec finds solace in Izzy's lab, and though it's obvious she knows something is up with him he doesn't say a word. Even her pointed, _I know what happened with_ Magnus just sends him fleeing from her with a barked out, _you don't_ , leaving Alec with yet another person to feel guilty about.

Alec makes himself busy with paperwork, refusing to let anything else enter his mind. In a couple of hours he's caught up with things that have been pushed to one side for months, and got ahead enough for even _Aldertree_ to be impressed if he was still here. Alec scowls at the thought of him anyway, hoping he's going through hell too.

By lunchtime Alec realizes he hasn't eaten anything since that soup he'd got for Magnus, groans at the thought of the bland Institute food, yet doesn't trust himself to go out. If he goes to any of the places he would normally go with Magnus there's a vague change of running into him, and Alec doesn't want Magnus to think he's checking up on him. Even if he wants to, his phone burning a hole in his pocket for how badly he wants to call him. So, he forces bites of food down his throat that he's grown up eating, hating every mouthful and not tasting a single one.

Should he be calling Magnus? Send a message? Because he wants Magnus to know he's thinking of him, even if he doesn't want to disturb him, even if the last thing he wants Magnus to feel is that he has to _rush_. And is he even doing enough to think of him, to realize the weight of his mistake, and the impact that near-miss has had on Magnus? How can he even understand; Alec tries to imagine being in Magnus' place and the reverse happening to him, and the thought of Magnus seeing him but not seeing him at all wounds Alec. That sense he got of Magnus blaming him and at the same time not blaming him hits harder for every think through, and by the end of his lunch Alec thinks he might be in danger of losing all of it for just how hard those thoughts are.

This isn't going to be an overnight fix. Alec knew that already, but it's hitting him again just now. There is going to be a lot of work ahead of them, especially on his part; that is, if Magnus even wants to try. He can't force that on him after everything that's happened. Alec's stomach plummets at the thought that Magnus might not want him anymore but he chides himself for being so selfish. Magnus has to be okay with all of this, nothing else is as important. And he'll wait, and listen, and try not to make it too hard for Magnus if what he needs is to be away from him for at least a little while.

The thought of Magnus _not_ wanting him strikes Alec hard again and he has to keep himself busy, telling himself he's selfish for even being concerned about such a thing. He takes the first task he comes in contact with, going out on a visit to an apparent problem with a Seelie with a Shadowhunter he barely recalls the name of and who thankfully doesn't seem to want to do much talking either. Though when it turns out _not_ to be a Seelie problem and is actually just a Seelie working in a Mundane store with a poor glamor to disguise himself, Alec is immediately hit by the image of Meliorn. It makes him pause, take greater care to listen, something he's been trying to do ever since what happened with Meliorn anyway, but right now seems even more important than ever.

They reach the Institute by mid-afternoon, and Alec goes straight to his room after quickly putting together a report, sucking in a breath and pleading with Magnus to have called. His heart skips when he sees there's a message waiting there for him.

_Magnus: Hello. I don't know how busy your day is but I just wanted to let you know that I was awake. Call me when you can._

Alec's fingers are trembling as he rereads Magnus' message, deciding it's far more formal than his previous messages before this incident, and also worrying about how late Magnus has slept. Is it because he needed the sleep? Couldn't sleep? Has he seen a client or something when he should be resting? Alec is trembling even harder as he waits for the call to connect, pleading once again with Magnus not to be saying goodbye.

"Good afternoon, Alec," he hears, and Alec wants to burst into tears. He doesn't need to ask to know that Magnus is trying so very hard to speak to him as he would do normally, when he has to be feeling anything but.

"Hey. How are you?"

"Good. Better, I think. Though I think I slept for something like fifteen hours without a break."

"Fifteen?"

"Yes."

"You... must have needed it," Alec says, not really knowing how else to respond.

"I did," Magnus agrees, and he's still yawning a little as Alec knows without having to see it that he's stretching. "How is your day?"

"Same old. Nothing new, which, I suppose is a good thing."

"No discussions about what will happen with Valentine?" Magnus asks, and Alec has to close his eyes.

"None that I've been involved in. I get the impression that the Inquisitor is avoiding me."

"Why am I not surprised," Magnus replies, and there's bitterness in his tone, as well as resignation, and Alec has no idea what to do with that.

"And you? I mean, other than sleeping, have you... have you done anything?" Alec asks, needing to keep the conversation going but feeling stuck for words.

"Not really. I read some of that book you were reading. Had some lunch—"

"Anything good?" Alec asks, interrupting. "I... I ate here today."

"Oh, then you have my sympathy," Magnus says immediately with tease in his voice that makes Alec smile. They've joked on numerous occasions about the dismal food in the Institute, with Magnus taking one look at a typical meal of Alec's one time and declaring he would rather starve.

"Yeah, I didn't taste any of it."

"Nothing new there, then," Magnus teases again, and it shifts something in Alec's chest. Though he doesn't think he can let himself breathe properly until he sees Magnus, until he can check the look in his eyes and try to work out what is to come.

"No. I guess not."

"So. In order to make up for what was no doubt a revolting lunch, would you like to join me for dinner?"

Alec sags in relief, even at the same time as telling himself it's too soon to get his hopes up. "I'd love that."

"Excellent. Do you want to get here for perhaps... well. When are you free?"

"I can come now," Alec blurts out immediately, "I mean, I don't have to come now. I can come later. I can come any time. Whenever's good for you? Or I can meet you somewhere, or—"

"Alec. Breathe," Magnus tells him, with an obvious smile in his voice. "And I would prefer that you come here; I don't feel particularly inclined to go anywhere yet."

"No that's fine," Alec replies, "that's perfect. I'll... whenever you want, Magnus."

"Well," Magnus says, and there's a little burst of laughter there, "if you can give me a couple of hours. That way I will have had time to change, and you will hopefully have the chance to finish up on whatever other work you have outstanding."

"Sounds good," Alec says, doesn't tell him he's already more than caught up. The thought of pacing the Institute for another two hours sounds agonizing but Alec will do it, if it's time that Magnus needs.

"Okay. So—"

"Is there anything you need? Anything you want me to bring you?" Alec asks, all those _gestures_ he looked up in the early hours of this morning rushing at him at once.

"No, just yourself," Magnus replies. "Though, if you have any suggestions for dinner—"

"Whatever you feel like, Magnus," Alec tells him, willing to give Magnus every single thing he wants if it's possible to.

"Then... I will think."

"Okay," Alec says, "I'll... leave you to... I'll... see you soon."

"You will."

"Magnus?"

Alec screws his eyes up tight wishing he hadn't called out.

"Yes?"

"Th-thank you. For... for calling."

"Well, technically, it is you who called me."

"You... you know what I mean, Magnus."

"I do," Magnus agrees, and the sigh that follows both puts Alec at ease and adds fresh flutters to his stomach. "And I... it will be good to see you."

"It will," Alec replies, pressing the phone harder against his ear and closing his eyes, "it will."

* * *

Alec pleads with his heart to not be beating quite as fast as it currently is, wishing for a second that he could just waltz into Magnus' apartment as he has become so used to doing. But he knocks and waits for Magnus to open the door, pasting on a smile that he hopes doesn't say he's trying too hard.

"Hey," he says the second the door is open even a little, and he's teetering on the spot to rush forward and hug him, or kiss him, or just feel Magnus in any way. But he doesn't, just stands rigidly and waits to be admitted, doing everything he can to follow Magnus' lead.

"Hello," Magnus replies as he steps back, and Alec passes barely resisting the urge to turn to him, instead steps into the apartment clutching a book tight in his hand.

"This is the second one after the one I was reading—you started reading," Alec says, holding it out for Magnus to take. "I thought... I mean, I didn't even check if you _liked_ it—"

"I _do_ like it—"

"Then good," Alec replies, "this one's good too. When you're ready, of course. And I'm in no hurry for it back. I mean, you can keep it as long as you need it, even if—"

Magnus crowds up against Alec and watches him without talking, or moving, or doing anything at all. And Alec lets him look, keeps still as his eyes search over his face, barely lets himself breathe until Magnus nods apparently seeing whatever he was looking for and takes a step back. "Thank you."

"Did you... did you rest some more?"

"Oh, I think I might have rested far more than necessary."

"But you need—"

"What would you like to drink?" Magnus asks, beckoning for Alec to follow him.

"I don't mind—"

" _Alec_ ," Magnus chides, turning only enough to raise his eyebrow in disapproval.

"That... that wine we had a few nights back was good."

"The red one?"

"Yes."

"Then, that is what we will have," Magnus replies, snapping his fingers and glasses appearing in both their hands. "Shall we go outside? Unless you need to eat right away—"

"No," Alec says, "outside is good."

He follows Magnus out on to his balcony, observes him looking out over the city below. Alec doesn't say a word, only holds his glass out for Magnus to knock his against, keeping a discreet distance between them so he can resist the urge to reach out.

"I am sorry that I was so angry with you yesterday," Magnus says out of nowhere, and Alec almost chokes on his wine.

"You don't need to be sorry—"

"I do. And I am. And even if I am the one who was... hurt in this situation, it doesn't mean I would want to be as harsh with you as I was."

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you," Alec blurts out, hating that his voice is trembling, "I'm sorry for... so many things."

"Then. We both are sorry. And we both have things to deal with resulting from this," Magnus says, turning towards him with a cautious smile. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy, or linear. But I hope that we can work through this together."

"I want that," Alec blurts out, turning a little more himself, "I want that. Magnus I—"

Alec's glass is slid from his fingers and he thinks he hears it put down on a table beside Magnus' own. But mostly what he hears is his own crying; he didn't mean to break down like this, he wants to be strong for Magnus. He doesn't want Magnus to feel he has to comfort him when he's the one that's in the wrong here, even if that wrong was never intended for Magnus. He doesn't deserve Magnus comforting him, but that's what he's doing, wrapping his arms around him and muttering soothing nothings into his neck.

Alec can't stop himself from clinging on hard, bunching up Magnus' shirt to the point of creasing as he cries into his shoulder. This isn't fair, he should be doing this for _Magnus_ , but every time he tries to control himself more tears come flooding out. So he gives in, wrapping himself even tighter around Magnus, not holding on to any of his choked out breaths as his tears work themselves out.

When he steps back, Alec bats tears away from his eyes with the back of his hand, his breath shuddering out of him when Magnus slots his fingers through his own, and squeezes.

"Listen to me, Alec—"

"No," Alec says, adamantly shaking his head, "I mean, _yes_. But... I need you to know that... that I'm here for _you_ , Magnus. I don't expect you to... I did this to _you_ , not the other way round."

"Does that mean we shouldn't support each other?" Magnus asks with a soft smile.

"No. Of course not. But I—"

"Alexander," Magnus says, and just hearing it makes Alec sag forward, wrapping Magnus up in a tighter hug that he's sure winds him a little for the huffed out laugh.

"I'm so sorry—"

"I know you are. As I am sorry. And before you insist again that I don't need to be, I am. And I... I'll be fine. And we will be fine. Okay?"

There are so many words rattling around Alec's head, but the look Magnus gives him says he doesn't want to hear them, perhaps doesn't need them right now. There's also a _something_ in his eyes that Alec is determined to monitor for knowing Magnus won't be _better_ overnight.

"Now. Dinner?" Magnus asks, nodding towards the apartment and gesturing for them to go back in. Alec nods and goes to follow him, but almost without any thought put into it he's reaching out and holding Magnus' hand again before he can get too far.

"Magnus."

Magnus looks down at their hands and up at Alec's face even as he's turning back to him, raising an eyebrow encouraging him to speak.

"Can I... if you'll let me, that is. I mean, if it's _okay_ —"

"Alec?"

"Can I kiss you? Please?"

Magnus' face softens a little further as he looks him in the eye, and nods. And Alec doesn't mean to show quite how desperate he is to touch him, but he's reaching out, cradling his face, and crowding up against Magnus kissing him hard, feeling as though in these few hours not being together he's having to relearn the shape of his mouth. He gasps a little as Magnus raises his hands to press into his sides, and that gasp becomes a relieved shudder when he slips them around to loop at his back. That Magnus goes from hesitant to kissing back just as hard, even making all those pleased little noises that he loves to hear, finally lets Alec trust that he's here, and _with_ Magnus, and this isn't some cruel dream he's about to wake from.

When they pull back they're breathless, but they melt together a little easier sagging into one another's arms, their smiles showing their relief as they trade softer kisses still until they calm.

"Dinner?" Magnus says softly after another long pause, which Alec only nods to, stealing the opportunity to kiss him quickly once again.

"Sounds good."

"We'll get through this, Alec," Magnus tells him, and Alec is struck with the reminder that it should be _him_ reassuring Magnus, not the other way round.

"We will," he agrees anyway, nodding when Magnus squeezes his fingers and following him back inside, knowing there will no doubt be a few hours of talking ahead.

 


End file.
